LilayM

Thank you, everybody, for your awesome bday wishes <3 ^^ This year has certainly been... interesting. Brought a LOT of changes into my life. Well, I'm certainly hoping to beat that record in the next... 3 months might be a stretch, but why not? 6 sounds a little more realistic.

Anyway: recently I've been doing STUFF. Soon-to-be-announced stuff. It has none of the signature art, 400% the signature humor (I thiiiiink. depends on what parts of humor counts as humor), and 1000% the soul so heeeey, yeah - I'm pretty darn excited about it ^^

(It's about special agents. So if you see special agents popping up anytime soon, give yourself some of that "AHA! I KNEW IT!" feeling, why don't you. xD)

Stay awesome, guys <3

Here's how an artist dies: they make art. Their art gets popular. "I must be a good artist," they think. They are an idiot. They apply to the number one art school in the world*. Worse yet, they get accepted. They feel like a hack. The school is extremely competitive, and tells you constantly what you need to be to get a good job - and to be your own artist. Everything, of course, is "chill, no pressure", with a california smile. "Networking, networking, networking." "Just don't fuck up." Ah, the pleasant days.

The artist fucks up royally for the first time. It was more of a rolling boulder of a fuckup, a little snowball that turned into a mountain - no matter. The artist hasn't enjoyed making art for a very long time. They vow - never again.

The artist fucks up royally for the second time. Mid-way rolling the boulder, they take a long, hard look at the upcoming disaster. "Things need to change," they think. And they are right.

The artist fucks up royally for the third time - with a smile. Mid-way rolling the boulder, they find a nice slippery slope and let it roll down with a smash. For the first time, the fuckup is deliberate. It feels like freedom. The artist hasn't enjoyed making art for a very long time.

Now that they think about it, they haven't enjoyed it even before college. And they have no desire to create it now that they are free. Curious, that. And so, dust settles over their drawing pen.

And that's how an artist dies.

I was the architect of my own disaster, from the very first moment I picked up a pencil with an intention to learn how to draw. Precisely "to LEARN". I believed I wasn't good enough to draw what I really wanted to draw - and I made a vow that I would remedy that. Except, that is a very shitty reason to draw: "to learn". Doesn't give you much, does it? Suggests you're incompetent, too. And I carried that feeling with me to college, even after I'd been accepted into a program that is harder to get into than Harvard.

Before that happened though, I realized something - people enjoyed my drawings. Well, certain drawings. And so, I focused on drawing what I thought people wanted for some of that sweet, sweet praise - my validation. Feeding the hunger of "never good enough". "Oh, but look here, here is someone who likes my work." And so it went - more drawings, more praise... Then, things started to fall apart. There was never enough praise, a slight dip in popularity would mean that I, indeed, wasn't good enough, and drawing became a joyless chore. It became stressful. Hence the hectic updates, the... everything.

And then, Calarts. Suffice to say it probably isn't a good sign if you've stopped drawing personal art completely, you're walking around wishing to die and wondering whether you're depressed again and please, please, don't let me be depressed again I don't wanna go back in there.

Doesn't help that the reason I created most of my art so far, why I got good at it and why I had so much fun doing it - dA - was basically obliterated Mean Girls-style at that college. Which, you know, good point, but that didn't help my self esteem. "If this is bad, and this is me... then am I bad? Am I really a hack? What if I like it?" Even when I did manage updates, it all tasted like ash now. Gone was the joy, the thrill. Imperfect motivation as it was, I still used to have some fun - sometimes a LOT of fun - drawing these AC comics. Not anymore though. Not anymore.

I didn't draw for myself. Oh, I sketched a lot, but that's all they are - sketches. And they are empty. Because I've never been an artist. Never tried to be one, never wanted to be one. I just wanted to learn to draw good enough to get my ideas down on paper - that's all. Except, on my way there, I put these ideas aside, "for later".

And I still kept putting them off "for later", albeit unconsciously, in college. I tried to make good art - instead of trying to make the art I wanted to make. The latter has been a foreign concept to me for a long time. In the end, I didn't finish that art which was supposed to be "good" and "what people wanted", "what would get me a job". It was too much of a chore for too little gain. And I procrastinated. I run from the pressure I put on myself. I run, until I could run no more, and then I ran even further.

Now it has caught up with me and the artist is dead. Except, they were never there in the first place. The shell of an artist was never alive. All this time, a whisper of the heart that urged me to run - was the artist, hidden away, screaming to get out.

So, ask yourselves this, dear creators - why do YOU create? Are your reasons serving you well? Or are you, perhaps, ignoring that nagging voice that's telling you something's not right?



PS: I'm well, thank you. No, you don't need to worry about me. No, you probably won't see much more AC art from me again. Maybe if I feel like it - but there will be NO promises.

If you wanna talk to me about making art, here in the comments or privately, type away.

I wrote this for myself, but I published it for all of you who might get something out of it. I learned my lessons not without pain, and if I can save you from even just a bit of that, then my mission is done.

* Alright, top #1 animation school and yes, this is an opinion/industry reputation, not a scientific fact.

If you had the power to change other people's memories, what would you do? What could you do? Assuming that you're changing one particular memory at a time, and not rewriting the person.

Let's just say I'm writing a story with a memory-changing agency and I'm curious what kinds of clients could potentially wander through the door ; P

Also, thank you guys for the bday wishes! <3 Getting younger every year.

    Hi guys! With school year nearing an end we enter an era of summer plans. Namely, this summer I'll be working on (and hopefully releasing) my own game projects. One of them is an exploration game and the other... let's say something resembling a visual novel.

    Right now, I'm doing research for both, and while I was fortunate to find great exploration games, visual novels is the field that eludes me. Which is where you guys come in. Do you have any good visual novels to recommend? So far I've only found ones as exciting as paper towels with truly breathtaking choices such as talking to animu boy 1 or talking to animu boy 2. I've gained much information about what not to do, however, I would really like to change my stance on visual novels (which now is that they're not so great).

    Anyhow, let me know if you know any good vns! I'll be updating y'all with the status of aforementioned projects. Don't get too impatient tho, I still have 3 weeks of school and mid-residence reviews to go through xP But yeah, you'll definitely see some promo art and maaaybe even a little something more... Stay tuned!

Thank you for all the happy birthday messages, guys! Officially old now, eh? xP Well, this has certainly been one eventful year. So many things I've learned, so many more to learn! I can't wait till I have something to show you all. Soon, should be soon. Till then, stay awesome! ^^